My Chariot's On Fire

Loneliness is a Dark Planet
Originally uploaded by Altered-Perspectives.

"Disappointment is the best chariot to use on the path of the Dharma."

Trungpa Rinpoche

This year so far has been really interesting for me. And not interesting in the sense that my dreams have come true.

No, by and large it has been a year full of disappointments, almost exclusively involving people who are/were close to me (or so I thought) letting me down when push came to shove.

As this happened, quite often I would think to myself, "The problem isn't them, it's your problem for having such high expectations."

But I have a problem with that - it excuses bad behaviour that should be challenged. So before I get to the main thrust, let me say expressly that while I have forgive much of what has happened, it's not an excuse for anyone to continue to treat people badly. Saying "That's just the way I am" is a pile of horse-shit - you CHOSE to act the way you acted, and since you know that was frakked up then you should be doing something about it instead of saying "That's just me" - cos it's not!

Richard Bach said it best:

“If it's never our fault, we can't take responsibility for it. If we can't take responsibility for it, we'll always be its victim."

Anyhoo, back on topic...

The thing I have been pondering is, how can I make such events affect me less? I mean I have no control over how frakked up other people are, and to continue to be affected by their shit makes no sense.

The thing I have been pondering is, how can I make such events affect me less? I mean I have no control over how frakked up other people are, and to continue to be affected by their shit makes no sense. The first step is obvious - take responsibility for my own feelings, don't try to be the "victim" like so many people I know.

Still, my standard response though was to cut people off - clean, surgical removal from my life. And to be honest it's still an option - sometimes if a person is toxic you just gotta get that poison out your system. But I suspect that I did it too often, and too quickly. Even a perceived lack of effort or caring on the part of someone has led me to dispose of them (in a non-“doubletap followed by encasement in concrete” kind of way lol).

And I don't mean repressing any annoyance or frustration. But sitting with it, recognising it for what it is, and putting it in both context and proportion. Not letting it take on a life of its own, become a larger monster than it really should.

I don't think I have been ultra-succesful with this so far, but at least I am trying. The intention is there, and here in this blog post, so maybe it will get better with practice. I have a feeling that this practice is a very important thing for me indeed..

Reflections

Telephone Pole Reflected
Originally uploaded by Altered-Perspectives.

"Be soft in your practice. Think of the method as a fine silvery stream, not a raging waterfall. Follow the stream, have faith in its course. It will go its own way, meandering here, trickling there. It will find the grooves, the cracks, the crevices.

Just follow it. Never let it out of your sight. It will take you."

Sheng-yen

I try too much for the raging waterfall. When I find contentment in the gentle stream things seem to "go my way" more often.

I've had a few raging waterfall moments of late. Am back to the softness again, and so happy with it.

What about you? How was your week? (If you read my blog you HAVE to answer this with a comment, it's da rulez hehe)

Rising Up from Dirt

Week 15/52 Haikus
Originally uploaded by Altered-Perspectives.

Rising Up from Dirt/

Form dissolves to rise again/

Round and Round We Go

Emptiness is Form

Emptiness is Form
Originally uploaded by Altered-Perspectives.

"I don't see much sense in that," said Rabbit.

"No," said Pooh humbly, "there isn't. But there was going to be when I began it. It's just that something happened to it along the way."

Isn't it funny how often things don't turn out quite the way we wanted them to???

Persona Non Gravitas

Persona Non Gravitas
Originally uploaded by Altered-Perspectives.

"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got."

Janis Joplin

Too much of modern living is about compromise. In my book compromise is a dirty word. Why? Well, what do you get whenever two people compromise - you get two people who are not getting what they want.

But often this is the way we feel that we should behave. I mean reasonable people compromise don't they. Maybe they do. I guess then I am not a reasonable person.

If you want something, I mean if it is really something that you want to have/achieve, then not comromising is a big factor. Hold out for what you want, and if the people you are dealing with cannot give you that, then decide not to interact with them for that thing. It doesn't mean that you can business acquaintances or friendships. You simply recognise that you're not wanting the same thing for that part of your lives and deal with someone else for that.

Otherwise you will slowly give away your dreams, one at a time...

Oblivio

Oblivio
Originally uploaded by Altered-Perspectives.

What are you waiting for?

Are you waiting for the perfect moment? Waiting for things to be "just right"?

And while you wait, every second of your life is ticking away... one by one... tick, tock, tick, tock...

When is it going to be over? It could be the next second you know. And by then, it will be too late.

What are you waiting for?

Stop waiting.

Do it now.

Words are Weapons, Sharp as Knives

Daffodil Meadow
Originally uploaded by Altered-Perspectives.

"The purpose of a fishtrap is to catch fish, and when the fish are caught, the trap is forgotten.

The purpose of a rabbit snare is to catch rabbits. When the rabbits are caught, the snare is forgotten.

The purpose of words is to convey ideas. When the ideas are grasped, the words are forgotten.

Where can I find a man who has forgotten words? He is the one I would like to talk to."

Chuang-Tsu

How much time and purpose do we put into choosing our words? How much of our intention do they really portray? Do we ever think about our recipient's viewpoint in how we word our comments? Not in some sense of pandering to their fears and insecurities, but in an attempt to be truly understand, for your words to mean to that person what you are thinking in your head.

And the same goes for words received - do we make any effort to understand what the person is trying to say, or do we just assume that it's the first thing that pops into our heads, our interpretation from our point of view? Since it is their words, why not try to understand their interpretation?

And what about holding on to words perceived as negative - how often do we do that? So you remember in ten years time the "bad" thing that someone said, but forget all about the hundred thousand compliments we received in-between.

And if anyone works out how to do (or not do) this, please let me know :-)

The Heart of Nothingness

Circles of Life
Originally uploaded by Altered-Perspectives.

"Existence is random. Has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long. No meaning save what we choose to impose. This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It's us. Only us.

Streets stank of fire. The void breathed hard on my heart, turning its illusions to ice, shattering them. Was reborn then, free to scrawl own design on this morally blank world."

Rorschach from Watchmen

I don't even want to discuss how frakking brilliant this movie is, it's one of the best films I have ever seen, top 5 for sure.

Go see it NOW!

My Life is Over

Week 6/52 Haikus
Originally uploaded by Altered-Perspectives.

Well, the big secret ain't so big - I suffer from depression. It takes a lot to admit this, fear of judgement or people's stupid prejudices or ignorance always stopped me before. But as I said in my last post, I am not ashamed or guilty, I have nothing to make me so. So there it is, and now everyone knows.

I have suffered from depression as long as I can remember. I was always the dour child, the overthinker, always worrying - I can still remember my first strong depressive episode when I was 10 years old and overtaken by the fear of death, became vegetarian and brooded for weeks. To be honest, it didn't then hit me again strongly until my late teens, but since then has been a strong and regular presence in my life.

I made many attempts to banish it using external events and factors - seeking happiness in relationships, hobbies, travel, always changing, always seeking, always temporary, never quite living up to my expectations. And then it got worse.

Work, family, stresses of life brought everything to a head - and finally I couldn't ignore it. The phrase "Clinical Depression" was uttered to me for the first time and the meds duly prescribed. Don't know if they worked, probably not, but things got better for a while, and then they weren't, so it came back again.

For some reason I knew that yoga would help. I dabbled with Yoga on and off for years, but this time as I began to slump into depression I knew I had to do something to get a serious grip on my mind. And I knew that Yoga was about the mind, not about the body.

That was the real start of my Yoga practice - not that it has ended my depression so far, but it helps. I hate to think where I would be without it. I seem to attract a lot of students suffering from depression too, and they tell me that my insights are very helpful. I guess it has been useful for something if it helps other people.

But it isn't away yet, I am not entirely sure if it ever will be. And any meds I have tried never seem to have worked so well (largely because, in my opinion, of the way I think, of the cognitive distortions I have come to use habitually - but that is another story for another day). Perhaps it is a deep ingrained part of me, the seed potential for depression always there, ready to sprout at a moment's notice. But I have come to realise a few things about depression lately, so let me share them with you.

Depression is sadness... sometimes a really dark overwhelming sadness, but sadness all the same. And there's an easy way to get rid of sadness - do something that makes you feel happy! This alone isn't an easy thing, because sometimes when you are depressed the thought of anything good just doesn't compute, you begin to think that the best thing in the world would be dreadful. But often if you make yourself go and do it you find it wasn't so bad after all and the "think"-ing you did was pretty off-target. But back to the 'doing joyous things all the time' idea.

Simple, huh? But I don't mean doing things that make you happy for like five minutes or a few days, I mean, what if we only did those things in life that made us happy, nothing else? Don't enjoy your work, then don't go! What if you decided that for the rest of your life you will only do the things that make you happy? What's the worst that could happen?

"But they all end," I hear you say. "And you already said that changes didn't make you happy."

Nah, I am talking about something far deeper here - before I was looking for happiness in what I did, expecting it to appear as a result of my seeking. Now I am looking at seeking out the things that make me happy just to be doing them, but without any expectations that it will be utterly wonderful or last forever. I mean the simple things like walking through nature or chatting with a good friend, dancing or singing, reading a book by your favourite author or baking a cake.

To be honest this comes from my recent experiences, where I was driven down a lot deeper than I have been before. Not that anyone noticed, right? My mask is good, from years of practice. But it took me to a place where I realised that I need to live my life in the singular pursuit of feeling good. That I have personal responsibility for my own happiness and I need to take evasive action if I am going to avoid being depressed for the rest of my life. it begins with taking that damned mask off.

And why live otherwise? Why live 12 hours a day at work doing something you hate (not that this applies to me, I need to seek changes futher afoot)? Why choose to do anything that makes you unhappy? You don't think that you do this? How many people spend half their lives doing something they don't like (i.e. work) to pay for houses they don't want, cars they don't need and holidays that are over far too soon? Passing fleeting pleasures one and all, and usually dragging you back to misery all too soon.

The acid test is simple - if money was no obstacle, what would you be doing? If it isn't what you are doing, then you need to change. If you find something that gives you happiness then even if you earn less, have a smaller house and a crappier car then what does it matter, because you are living your joy! You don't even need that holiday because you're already happy.

Simplistic, I know, we don't all live in Utopia and there are bills to pay. But I think people have gone too far in the other direction - making themselves msierable at work in order to pay for things that don't make them any happier. So I opt out of this scheme, if it is alright with everyone else. I have resolved to do nothing in life that is a chore, never ever again.

How can that work? There are still dishes to wash, bills to pay. Well it is a matter of shifting your perspective, of finding joy in whatever you are doing. If it is something menial or repetitive, ask yourself why you are doing it? So are you washing dishes because that's your task, or because someone wil lshout at you if you don't? Wouldn't you rather think that yo uare washing them to keep them hygienic so you can feed yourself and have anough nourishment to go round to socialise with your friends (or because if you didn't, you might get food poisoning off them next time you ate)?

Let me summarise that for you - you wash dishes so that you can socialise with your friends. Cognitive reframing perhaps, but isn't it a much better way to look at life?

This way, even the most minor of tasks becomes an investment in something bigger. And if there's no joy at the end of a task, then don't do it. So we need to question our social conventions because many of them are pretty useless. Why are you going to cousin Imelda's wedding - because you really want to? Because you really love her and want to show your respect and help her celebrate her joyous day? No, you'd rather be at home watching football? Because it will be fun? Absolutely not, you;d have more fun washing the dishes! Then why do it? Because of some ridiculous concept of social niceties? So you choose to do it, and thus suffer, in order to maintain the mask of who you are! Throw it away, it's no good for you!

Done that, been there, pretty sure I've worn that mask and it's cast in iron I can tell you. It is a hot and stifling thing to wear, but not any more I tell you. It's going in the trash, where it belongs.

This is where my depression has taken me, to the point of challenging everything in "my life". What is useful and what isn't? If it is of no use, then I won't be participating. This is where I am, here and now. This is who I am right now too. Take me as I am or not at all, it mattters not.

"My life" is over. But for me, living has just truly begun...