My Life is Over

Week 6/52 Haikus
Originally uploaded by Altered-Perspectives.

Well, the big secret ain't so big - I suffer from depression. It takes a lot to admit this, fear of judgement or people's stupid prejudices or ignorance always stopped me before. But as I said in my last post, I am not ashamed or guilty, I have nothing to make me so. So there it is, and now everyone knows.

I have suffered from depression as long as I can remember. I was always the dour child, the overthinker, always worrying - I can still remember my first strong depressive episode when I was 10 years old and overtaken by the fear of death, became vegetarian and brooded for weeks. To be honest, it didn't then hit me again strongly until my late teens, but since then has been a strong and regular presence in my life.

I made many attempts to banish it using external events and factors - seeking happiness in relationships, hobbies, travel, always changing, always seeking, always temporary, never quite living up to my expectations. And then it got worse.

Work, family, stresses of life brought everything to a head - and finally I couldn't ignore it. The phrase "Clinical Depression" was uttered to me for the first time and the meds duly prescribed. Don't know if they worked, probably not, but things got better for a while, and then they weren't, so it came back again.

For some reason I knew that yoga would help. I dabbled with Yoga on and off for years, but this time as I began to slump into depression I knew I had to do something to get a serious grip on my mind. And I knew that Yoga was about the mind, not about the body.

That was the real start of my Yoga practice - not that it has ended my depression so far, but it helps. I hate to think where I would be without it. I seem to attract a lot of students suffering from depression too, and they tell me that my insights are very helpful. I guess it has been useful for something if it helps other people.

But it isn't away yet, I am not entirely sure if it ever will be. And any meds I have tried never seem to have worked so well (largely because, in my opinion, of the way I think, of the cognitive distortions I have come to use habitually - but that is another story for another day). Perhaps it is a deep ingrained part of me, the seed potential for depression always there, ready to sprout at a moment's notice. But I have come to realise a few things about depression lately, so let me share them with you.

Depression is sadness... sometimes a really dark overwhelming sadness, but sadness all the same. And there's an easy way to get rid of sadness - do something that makes you feel happy! This alone isn't an easy thing, because sometimes when you are depressed the thought of anything good just doesn't compute, you begin to think that the best thing in the world would be dreadful. But often if you make yourself go and do it you find it wasn't so bad after all and the "think"-ing you did was pretty off-target. But back to the 'doing joyous things all the time' idea.

Simple, huh? But I don't mean doing things that make you happy for like five minutes or a few days, I mean, what if we only did those things in life that made us happy, nothing else? Don't enjoy your work, then don't go! What if you decided that for the rest of your life you will only do the things that make you happy? What's the worst that could happen?

"But they all end," I hear you say. "And you already said that changes didn't make you happy."

Nah, I am talking about something far deeper here - before I was looking for happiness in what I did, expecting it to appear as a result of my seeking. Now I am looking at seeking out the things that make me happy just to be doing them, but without any expectations that it will be utterly wonderful or last forever. I mean the simple things like walking through nature or chatting with a good friend, dancing or singing, reading a book by your favourite author or baking a cake.

To be honest this comes from my recent experiences, where I was driven down a lot deeper than I have been before. Not that anyone noticed, right? My mask is good, from years of practice. But it took me to a place where I realised that I need to live my life in the singular pursuit of feeling good. That I have personal responsibility for my own happiness and I need to take evasive action if I am going to avoid being depressed for the rest of my life. it begins with taking that damned mask off.

And why live otherwise? Why live 12 hours a day at work doing something you hate (not that this applies to me, I need to seek changes futher afoot)? Why choose to do anything that makes you unhappy? You don't think that you do this? How many people spend half their lives doing something they don't like (i.e. work) to pay for houses they don't want, cars they don't need and holidays that are over far too soon? Passing fleeting pleasures one and all, and usually dragging you back to misery all too soon.

The acid test is simple - if money was no obstacle, what would you be doing? If it isn't what you are doing, then you need to change. If you find something that gives you happiness then even if you earn less, have a smaller house and a crappier car then what does it matter, because you are living your joy! You don't even need that holiday because you're already happy.

Simplistic, I know, we don't all live in Utopia and there are bills to pay. But I think people have gone too far in the other direction - making themselves msierable at work in order to pay for things that don't make them any happier. So I opt out of this scheme, if it is alright with everyone else. I have resolved to do nothing in life that is a chore, never ever again.

How can that work? There are still dishes to wash, bills to pay. Well it is a matter of shifting your perspective, of finding joy in whatever you are doing. If it is something menial or repetitive, ask yourself why you are doing it? So are you washing dishes because that's your task, or because someone wil lshout at you if you don't? Wouldn't you rather think that yo uare washing them to keep them hygienic so you can feed yourself and have anough nourishment to go round to socialise with your friends (or because if you didn't, you might get food poisoning off them next time you ate)?

Let me summarise that for you - you wash dishes so that you can socialise with your friends. Cognitive reframing perhaps, but isn't it a much better way to look at life?

This way, even the most minor of tasks becomes an investment in something bigger. And if there's no joy at the end of a task, then don't do it. So we need to question our social conventions because many of them are pretty useless. Why are you going to cousin Imelda's wedding - because you really want to? Because you really love her and want to show your respect and help her celebrate her joyous day? No, you'd rather be at home watching football? Because it will be fun? Absolutely not, you;d have more fun washing the dishes! Then why do it? Because of some ridiculous concept of social niceties? So you choose to do it, and thus suffer, in order to maintain the mask of who you are! Throw it away, it's no good for you!

Done that, been there, pretty sure I've worn that mask and it's cast in iron I can tell you. It is a hot and stifling thing to wear, but not any more I tell you. It's going in the trash, where it belongs.

This is where my depression has taken me, to the point of challenging everything in "my life". What is useful and what isn't? If it is of no use, then I won't be participating. This is where I am, here and now. This is who I am right now too. Take me as I am or not at all, it mattters not.

"My life" is over. But for me, living has just truly begun...