God is Dead!

Day 157
Originally uploaded by Altered-Perspectives.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger!"

Friedrich Nietzsche

It's been a strange few years for me of late.

I would say until about the middle of 2006 I had a very strong connection to my concept of what I referred to as God. I hesitated before posting this, because it is the kind of thing that splits us and puts people off, but let me explain what it meant to me, and please bear in mind as I write that my words on own beliefs are in no way intended to contradict or negate or disrespect yours.

To me, God was never an old man on a throne up in the clouds. It was really what I saw as the interconnection of the Universe, an innate intelligence that seemed to have a flow to it. And there I was as one little entity on that quantum sea, floating and bobbing about. Much of that hasn't changed for me.

But since then I lost this sense of connection, and to be honest I have been striving so hard to get it back. Nothing really has worked, and this brought me suffering, to a very great degree.

A few weeks ago, I came to a place where I decided that I have done enough seeking. I need to stop looking for God, or more accurately this connection I once believed that I had. I need to put my faith (or loss thereof) aside and just get on with it.

And the other night I was having a conversation with a friend who was in the midst of turmoil fuelled largely by anxiety and depression. As I chatted with that friend, I came to see how negative this seeking has been for me. My friend expressed a need to know there was more meaning in their life than what they saw right now, and I recognised my own train of thought reflected back at me. I have spent this time trying to meet the need for this feeling of comfort that I am important, that there is connection and that there is hope of more comfort to come.

So what if there is not?

What if this is, as Jack Nicholson once said, "As good as it gets"?

Is my life any different? No.

Are the things I need to do changed, bills I need to pay less (or more)? No.

So what has changed? I have one less thing to do i.e. finding God.

Reminds me of another Zen saying (I do so love Zen simplicity):

"Before enlightenment chop wood, carry water...

After enlightenment chop wood, carry water..."

Of course this isn't enlightenment, but I feel it is a step closer in some strange way, in accepting life as it is without bringing any goal to my actions. Perhaps at some later time I will find that connection again, but for the time being my connections are all this-worldly.

It is their time.